It Is Well

“It is well with my soul.”

Oh, how I longed for such a beautiful sound.
To be honest though..
what happened wasn’t well with my soul.
But I wanted so much to be well.
Instead of living, I started to just survive.
Covering up the hurt with quick and temporary fixes.
Unfortunately, hiding the hurt was something all too familiar.
Part of me pretending and another part feeling guilty for pretending.
I was growing tired, exhausted from trying to compensate for that painful, unhealed half.
I knew deep down that a temporary fix would only make me feel lost and half alive and I wanted more than to just survive.
I wanted to be whole.
To be complete again.
To be “me” again.
To live on purpose, with a purpose and for a purpose.

What caused more anxiety, was when I realized there was no immediate fix this time because this pain…
This pain was different.
This pain was deep.
This pain had been piling up for years.
My emotions were heightened from revisiting memories of the past.
I was being weighed down by the heaviness of untold stories that I wished weren’t mine to tell.
I needed understanding.
I needed healing.
Not just a temporary fix through reading self help books or validation from the world.
No.
Something deeper, a firm grip of truth, something steady, something I could trust.
I needed “me” again, and more importantly I NEEDED God.

So, I remained.
I didn’t try pretending I was okay.
I didn’t hide or shame my humanness.
I didn’t run away from the pain.
No.
Instead…
Instead, I faced it.
I vowed to be honest.
I vowed to be gentle.
I vowed to be vulnerable.
I vowed to be patient and to show compassion through this courageous process of healing.
Trusting in hope.
Trusting that this shattered brokenness would turn into a powerful break through.
Trusting that all of this, the confusion, the loneliness, the darkness, and even the sleepless nights full of deep belly cries was all part of God’s master plan.

As we choose to remain, as we choose to never give up, and as we choose to grow, I pray we will only grow more in Christ.

“It is well with my soul.”
What a sweet and beautiful sound.
And then there it was…a break through.
It is well..
It is well with my soul.

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Isaiah 40:31 ❤️🙏🏻

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