It was Chaos

It was chaos.
The spotlight, the gambling of her soul.
She remembers the grip…
She remembers the grip it had on her.
A deceiving chase of approval was slowly leading to her obstruction.

A statement that bled into an obsession.
An obsession to prove that she was like the rest, that she too belonged.
The startling tug to compromise and to conform was destructive… tempting, but destructive.
A moment of weakness taking over as she actually tried… she tried to conform.

She compromised.
She hid every smile of joy, every encouraging word, every ounce of hope. She became an aimless piece of debris in dangerous winds.

Her eyes wore tears like permanent tattoos, her heart was becoming detached, and her mind was playing tricks.

The power went out and all she saw was darkness. She feared to be still and feared to close her eyes. She feared her reflection and every false accusation.

It was chaos.
This pressure of conformity, to fit in was chaos.
The thunder was roaring, lightning was striking, the waters were rising and the winds were whirling but there was this one moment…
A moment of the most severe pain she had ever felt, and even still, it became the moment she would forever be grateful for.

She let go.
She unclenched her grip.
She stood up on unsteady ground with her heart unhidden and vulnerably open in obedience. She was exposed of her emptiness, exposed of her weakness and exposed of her failed attempts of living this life her way.
She had to make a choice.
To live for the world or to trust God even in the most distrustful, harsh environment.

It was chaos.
Surrendering, beautiful chaos.
Jesus’s spotlight, the rescuing of her soul.
She remembers the grip…
She remembers the grip He had on her.
The empathy and strength He had to pull her out of darkness.
An unseen but faithful embrace of forgiveness was effortlessly leading to her salvation, even in the middle of a tormenting storm. She realized, she was born to be set apart.

God has a purpose for our pain, a reason for the testing of our faith and remarkable revelations during times of doubt. Trust His timing, stand firm in your faith, and never lose hope.

”Dear God, I trust you, I trust you are going before me, I trust in your timing and even if it does not go the way I had planned… you are still so good and my eyes will remain on things above. Help me to want you more than all your many blessing. Help me to stay desperate even when my circumstances look in good standing. Use me in every way but before doing so, cleanse my heart, mind and soul of anything that is not of you. Keep molding me, Lord. Thank you for forgiving me. I love you. In Jesus name, Amen.”



  1. Hi Kristan Ann,

    I saw your story on the news yesterday. It’s refreshing to see someone standing up for herself and waiting until marriage rather than conforming to the ways of the world. You’re a great Christian role model and I think your actions and words will give many people, especially young women, the courage to be strong in their faith. It also gives me hope that there are strong and beautiful Christian women out there because I hope to find one to marry someday.

    Best wishes,


    1. awww I just pray people see less of me and more of Christ through all of this because I am no where near perfect nor have the perfect words to speak. I just want a positive difference to be made, but mostly God’s will. Thank you for your support and encouragement!! 🙂


      1. You’re welcome. I think God’s light is shining brightly through you, and He will continue to give you the right words as you need them. I read in an article that you spent some time in Africa. How did you like it? I’m going to Tanzania for a mission trip in a few weeks.



  2. I think God’s light is shining brightly through you, and He will continue to give you the right words as you need them.

    I read in an article that you’re spent some time in South Africa. What was that like? I’m going to Tanzania for a mission trip soon.

    I’m not on social media, but you can email me at ceggerman {at}



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