I met with my mentor, Stephanie McCormick, after a while of traveling. I really needed time to seek her wisdom, comfort and counsel. I had exhausted 99 reasons why everything was against me (playing the victim). I felt dim and distant and had to be honest with an area of weakness I’ve had lately. So, I asked her to lead me… I asked her to lead me to the word because I was lacking leadership while focusing on all of the enemy’s distractions. I was consumed and buried by internal battles of my mind and heart that I resisted and wrestled with truth.
She gracefully began to read me a story in the bible and the word “yet” set my heart on fire from the passage Job 13:15. I knew once I left her I had to sit with the word “yet” and so I did. I was convicted by God and thankful I have someone like Stephanie and my mom, Deborah MacQueen, who God gave to me as gifts to speak truth into me when fiery darts full of lies are being shot at me.
Below is what I was finally able to release off my heart.
…and YET, there is something so beautiful within the chaos. For it becomes the moment… the moment of surrender when faith recycles renewed oxygen into each upcoming gasp for air, when faith begins to radiate through every existing cell in your body, when faith showers hope and victory over every circumstance and battle… but honestly… honestly I lost it.
I lost it…
I lost it because, because I lost myself.
I lost myself within the coldness of fear, the constriction of anxiety, the strangulation of expectations and, and I froze… I just stopped.
I stopped moving.
I got tossed in a cycle of proving.
Proving I could measure up.
Proving I wasn’t who they said I was.
I stopped believing.
Believing in myself.
Believing in what God says about me.
I stopped trusting.
Trusting that God was hearing my prayers.
Trusting the path He had me walking on.
I stopped showing up.
Showing up as my true centered self.
Showing up with warmth.
I stopped looking.
Looking for the real me.
Looking above for the good.
I stopped resisting.
Resisting the hurtful lies of the enemy’s words.
Resisting the criticism from my own vocal chords.
I froze… I just stopped.
I was hiding, hiding behind closed doors in darkness where no one could see the countless sleepless nights of fighting.
Fighting for air, for clarity.
Fighting with God.
Fighting against His timing.
Fighting against His ways.
Fighting against His process.
I refused to losen my grip of control and, and then I froze… I just stopped.
I finally stopped…
I stopped fighting and looked at my self destructing path… I was breathless as I looked at the chaos.
… and yet, in the path of chaos there was something so beautiful. For it became the moment… the moment I surrendered… when faith recycled renewed oxygen into my upcoming gasp for air, when faith began to radiate through every existing cell in my body, when faith showered hope and victory over every circumstance and battle… for this moment, became my journey back home, back home to faith.
I realized even in all the pain and chaos that God is still a good father.
He allowed me to become empty so He could fill me.
He allowed toxic people to leave me so He could lead me.
He allowed my bones to break so I would stop fighting.
He allowed me to lose what I thought was my everything so He could be my only thing.
He allowed rejection until I finally lost my grip on people pleasing.
He allowed me to be viewed as weak and insignificant so He could be bigger than life with all His glory.
He allowed me to fall down at the death of myself so He could carry me to the beginning of His new creation.
He allowed the chaos so I would seek His spiritual peace.
He is a good father who will allow anything that leads His children back home.
Don’t you dare quit now.
You’re almost home…
You’re almost home now… and faith, faith looks so beautiful on you.
Though He slay me, yet I will trust in Him.